I just set up this Substack with the intention of writing 500 to 1000 words about a prompt each week and blasting it out into the universe where hopefully no one will see it, I suppose with the exception of a few of my
friends — and who cooked up this idea and are distinctly not scary in the way that the entire internet very much is.I started writing with Foster last November, where despite my best intentions to produce something, nothing really came. I attended workshops and office hours and tried not to monopolize all of my mentor
’s time. I grounded and made space and visualized. I tried to find a thread and pull on it. I journaled like crazy and one time I just closed my eyes and furiously typed a list of words in the order they came into my mind. Here’s a somewhat unsettling peek into what was going on in there:Cryptocurrency
Extremely dense breasts
Shabbat shalom
Mayan Riviera
Mayim Bialik
Sometimes things don’t change
Some things never change
Why candy
Martin Buber
Am Yisrael Chai
Flashlight
Sotheby’s
Chain of command
Liketoknow.it
Bobby Danger
Digital realness
Force feed
Lights out
Chinatown
Life raft
Fortune 500
Baker’s rack
Studebaker
Century club
Fox 500
Sisyphus
Hillsboro
Country club
Stampede
Reckless
Sometimes I wonder
Food fight
Phenomenon
Phrenology
Circumstances
Unaware
Cincy
Doublet
Verify
Sources say
Cinq a sept
Sometimes
Force field
Bottoms-up
Pineapple
Stance
Finger food
Faceless ghost
Intermediary
Horse whiskers
Pumpkin pie
Fancy-free
Cat’s meow
Stupendous
Superstar
Financial
Sick of it
Stoplight
Faster
Amicus briefing
Shock and awe
Stim
Village
Farewell
Farmers
I was hoping that something interesting would sneak out and present itself when I wasn’t looking or trying so hard. I fucked around, but unfortunately I did not find out. So why am I still after it? What is my intention for writing?
To process: I find it very difficult to think deeply about anything without providing myself with time and space just for that purpose. Even when I’m not Busy I’m always busy. There is no way that I’m going to get to the bottom of how I really feel about something and why I feel that way while managing logistics for a family of five. I will simply zoom around taking care of all the things that need to be done, lest anyone go hungry or not picked up on time. I’ll disassociate on the Peloton and then jump in the shower and then run errands. I love this life! And I know that if I’m seeking a bit of a deeper well — that will require booking out writing time on the calendar.
To connect: This one is newer and much less comfortable than the past 20 years of vomiting private thoughts and feelings out onto a page and never looking back. I can’t stop thinking about the conversation Rick Rubin had with producer Kenny Beats where Beats describes his process for making Louie, his first solo album. It was "an almost entirely instrumental artist record that acts as a deeply personal tribute to [Beats]' ailing father", even including voice clips of the two in conversation on the album. This was art made specifically for one person yet when he decided to release it to the world, it found a welcoming audience. People felt the emotional resonance, understood what it meant, and were grateful that he chose to share. I’m not Kenny Beats, but I am inspired by the idea that lives are made up of stories, and stories can do hard work — they want to be shared.
To keep track: I know I didn’t promise anyone three intentions but it just feels right, and I am ready to share with the world that:
I’m keeping track of a lot of stuff up here and it is actually a lot to ask to remember what I thought or how I felt about anything that happened more than 48 hours ago. Maybe it will be interesting to have a place where this kind of thing lives, and maybe there will just be this one weird post for my children to find and make fun of when they are finally permitted to engage with the internet. Can you guys take my thoughts and feelings seriously? No worries if not!
A final disclaimer about my non-intentions for writing…I do not intend to teach any lessons from my experiences. I don’t intend to prove anything or change anyone’s mind. I do not intend to make inaccurate assumptions but I absolutely will not be able to avoid it. I don’t intend to become rich or famous and maybe I can use some of this writing time to think long and hard about why that is.
To help me put myself in context, I thought I’d add what I’m taking in this week:
READING: Prophet, Helen Macdonald and Sin Blaché
LISTENING: Life with John Mayer on SiriusXM Radio
WATCHED: Tig Notaro: Hello Again
Big thanks to my writing partner/horticultural creativity associate
for her patient encouragement, thoughtful feedback, and life-altering advice. None of this would have happened without morning pages, morning pages would not have happened if she had not gently bossed me back into it. Alicia’s grandparents were real-life spies! She’s writing their story (and hers) at .